What’s Hot Is Hot; What’s Not Is Not

“Think left and think right and think low and think high.
Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”
Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Let’s get one thing straight: Whatever turns you on, turns you on—it all contributes to what I like to think of as your individual “erotic personality,” if you will. You can’t change your fundamental orientation; but by being creative, you can add to it by trying out new activities and new fantasies—you get the picture. Give it a try and see what develops!

Last week we talked about the concept of porn star sex and discussed some of the drawbacks encountered when you buy into that particular model of perfection. However, the Maestro reminds me that for some people, porn star sex is the only thing that turns them on. And we didn’t mean to leave those frisky folks out in the cold, now, did we? Of course not. What we were discussing is simply not getting caught up in the mindset that there’s only one way to have sex, i.e., where everyone has perfect bodies and does amazingly acrobatic things to each other.

Pressure Cookers Are for Betty Crocker

We also talked about not feeling pressured into doing things that you’re uncomfortable with. This is one of those areas where your self-esteem can suffer a blow (so to speak). What if your partner is only turned on by you taking him so deep in your mouth that you end up gagging and in tears? Hey, that’s the way the porn stars do it, right? Or what if your partner is only turned on by you kneeling down and licking her high heels? Again, a scenario common in commercial erotica.

Now, these scenarios can be either positive or negative, depending on how you feel about them and whether they turn you on as well as your partner—or whether you can get turned on and enjoy yourself merely because your partner is so aroused by doing them.

In short, the act doesn’t matter; what’s important is whether it’s a positive experience for both of you—or at the very least, something which you feel neutral about and which doesn’t make you want to run screaming from the room.

Rutabaga! Rutabaga!

Speaking of running screaming from the room: When you’re playing out any sort of fantasy, don’t forget to agree on safe words! What’s a safe word? A word that’s distinctly non-sexual, that either partner can say during a fantasy scene that means “stop!” Since saying “stop!” might be part of the fantasy, it’s important to choose something you’d never say during sex. Like “Federal deficit!” (At least I think most of us probably wouldn’t utter that in the throes of passion.) Saying this tells your partner you really do want to stop. Right now.

So where does this lead us? Into the realm of self-knowledge (knowing your erotic likes and dislikes) and feeling positive about your relationship. In other words, knowing that you can say “no” when it doesn’t feel right for you—and “yes” when it does. And having a partner with whom you can discuss it and figure out how both of you can have fun and feel good about what you’re doing.

It might go something like this:

The candles are lit, the champagne is open, you’re wearing something sexy, you’re both turned on. And then your partner throws your hands behind your back and says: “I want to rape you—and I want to make it hurt. Now.”

This can either be excruciatingly sexy, or damn frightening, depending, again, on your erotic personality.

If it turns you on, agree on a safe word and go nuts.

Extra Mayo, Hold the Mustard

But if it doesn’t, you might tell your partner gently that while you understand it’s definitely a turn-on for him/her, you don’t want to go there. Maybe there’s a less intense but equally erotic scenario you’d be willing to try? You never know until you ask. Remember that each of you is responsible for your own pleasure, and you won’t get anything unless you’re willing to explore, communicate and at least stick your toes into the shallow end of the pool.

Oh, the hotness of it all!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Party Like a Rock Star; Sex Like a Porn Star?

“Sexually, we are all competing for the same seat on the bus
And the thing that holds it together is the tightly held conceit
That we are all sexual gods“
“Northern Exposure” 1993

Let’s talk about "porn star sex.” You know: those hardy folks who spend thousands of dollars getting various implants and cosmetic surgeries so they can make a living doing something that’s both frenetic and unsafe to hard, pounding music.

But that’s not really what we mean when we talk to friends about “porn star sex,” is it? I’m guessing your own definition of “porn star sex” is probably more along the lines of: having sex with someone who looks smokin’ hot, acts like a passionate vixen/stud in heat and uses some mythical techniques that are 110% guaranteed to drive you wild. In other words: roughly .00005% of the population. Now there’s a realistic expectation!

Don’t misunderstand me: Getting off on sexual materials and experimenting with some of the techniques shown can be a wonderful erotic experience. (How else do you explain the popularity of canned whipped cream?) However, just as with all fictional depictions, this is an idealized world of unrealistic people and activities.

I’ll Take Oral Sex for $500, Alex

If you’re a guy, what “porn star sex” usually means to you is having your partner get their super freak on and giving you some deep-thrusting oral stimulation, because, hey, that’s what you’re supposed to want, right? After all, many men's magazines seem to be all about teaching men the little “tricks of the trade” promised to get their partners to behave more like porn stars. In fact, that whole notion brings up a large, pulsating question: if “porn star sex” is so much fun, how come you have to trick someone into doing it? Could it be because the only one who’s really having any fun in this equation is you?

The fact is, you might actually feel that if you’re not getting this kind of sex, then you’re not a “real man.” Oh boy, here we go again: if that were true, “real men” aren’t really about sharing mutual pleasure—those kinds of “real men” are merely about getting someone to “service” them.

This makes me wonder about how many women—particularly younger women—feel pressured by their partner/s into doing things they’re not comfortable with just because it looks kind of “cool” on screen.

And don’t think this isn’t rough for some of the guys too. That’s right, a lot of the same guys who are pressuring their partners into doing “porn star sex” might themselves be getting peer pressure from their so-called “friends” who tell them that this is exactly the kind of thing that “real men” do with their partner/s. Feel like a trap much?

Whatever Happened to Fabio Anyway?

OK, this whole concept that we should all be having “porn star sex” is simply the flip side of romance novels that sell the idea that the only good sex is an overly romanticized situation in which a woman lets herself be overwhelmed by some idealized super macho stud who picks her up, flings her helpless yielding body over his broad shoulder and whisks her off to his castle where awaits the promise of wonderfuly erotic things happening to her supple body. And, by the way, the super macho stud just happens to be fabulously wealthy too.

So we’re back to those same old tired gender roles: the ones where women can only allow themselves to be sexual if it’s in the context of romantic sexual abandon, and men can only be turned on by someone who looks/dresses/acts and gets down to business like a porn star.

Tune in next week when we find out where this topic takes us. Who knows, you may be entering into a realm where you’ll learn something about self-image, respect for yourself and others, personal comfort levels, and most importantly, being able to tell a partner “no” when it doesn't feel right.

That signpost up ahead…

With Pleasure,
Dr. J

Not Your Parents’ New Year’s Resolutions

“The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 a.m.”
Charles Pierce

Everywhere you look, there it is: something about New Year’s resolutions. Lose weight, get in shape, blah, blah, blah. Let’s turn this practice upside down and focus on some FUN resolutions, like:

· Get some new lingerie—either for yourself or for your partner—or both! And did somebody say get some new toys? Is that old vibrator starting to look a little twisted, sister?
· Ask your partner what kind of fantasy s/he wants you to role play—on the condition that your partner has to role play your fantasy, too. Tit for tat is only fair.
· Try some new activities you’ve never, ever considered before (a new position? Lots of loud moaning? Being on top?).

Next week, we start 2008 with a bang. Sorry; couldn’t resist. “Porn Star Sex”: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

With Pleasure,
Dr. J